Monday, January 3, 2011

Past, present and future!

2010 was wonderful, never once have I felt this way about a year or a time period in my life! This could possibly mean only one thing - I've taken control of my life (finally) for the first time this past year and I look foward to the future with hope and even a little smile in my face ! I cannot possibly put in words how I feel as I write this, all I can say is I've come a long way, treaded treacherous path, not only with little or no help but also with numerous obstacles with each and every stumbling step I took alone!

But that's then! Three special people make my life wonderful now - every single day! I want their lives be as happy as happy can get! If present is any indication of future their lives will indeed be wonderful! All my 3 kids are big kids now (is 6 really big? my last kid wants me to believe it is!). They are considerate, compassionate and smart. They all now know what they are good at, developed some interests along the way and know what not to do so they won't jeopardize their health or anything good that might come their way for that matter! Even in my absence (or should I say especially in my absence!) they have consistently made good choices/followed rules - pick something healthy to eat, goodies are okay in moderation (read moderation = once in a week), never spend too much time in the PC/TV/Video Games. They are very kind to their peers but they are not naive either, don't control and don't let anyone control is the mantra in this household.

My middle daughter has loved her baby sister since the day she was born and my love for the baby, I'm afraid, fell way too short when compared to the love she gave to the newborn and she was all of 3!

My son who was less than 3 when my first daughter was born, who had never left my side until that time, started sleeping by himself and I don't remember him asking for me ever since. He will wait for me patiently until I wake up for breakfast and on many days that would be well past 10:30 a.m. He has always been my trusted babysitter and he has taken good care of his sisters since then. He was always there for me whenever I needed to put my head down for half an hour or so to regain my strength from exhaustion or a hammering migraine which were quite frequent mostly due to sleep deprivation and no time for self-care of any kind.

Last week I had to take my 6 year old on a long road trip, she was not well, her tiny body shaking as she was throwing up in a plastic bag and cleaning up after herself every time, without even a tiny bit of whining or complaining, as I helplessly watched in the rearview mirror- my heart just melted! How can a 6 year old possibly have this kind of will power and patience?!

When someone this young can think beyond their age, can analyze the situation in a manner above their life's experiences would enable them to do so, isn't it time I start counting my blessings? I feel I'm the luckiest mom on earth, for starters - a mom who has been motherless for such a long time I'm still not sure about my mothering skills!

Now I wonder, what will I be without my kids?

In 3 days is my mom's 27th death anniversary, I have always encountered this day which such fear and sadness so much that it takes a toll on my physical and emotional health. I want to change this from now on. This doesn't mean that it stopped hurting or I'm not craving for her anymore, I have come to accept that I'll never find closure - for my mom's abrupt loss and hundreds of other things that happened in my life and more than that in her life that should never happen to any human being, yes life was a bit too unfair for us. But all I want to do now is to be good to and take care of myself and be there for my kids for the sake of my mom, yes for the sake of my mom who I've replaced a little bit prematurely!

Happy New Year!